Americans Explain Why They Oppose Canceling Student Debt

Americans Explain Why They Oppose Canceling Student Debt

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Following President Joe Biden’s announcement on forgiving student debt, The Onion asked Americans across the country why they oppose the student loan relief plan.

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Cara Berger (Mathematician)

Cara Berger (Mathematician)

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“I think it’s unfair to help the working class if it isn’t a cover for giving corporations huge tax cuts.”

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Chester Locke (Landscaper)

Chester Locke (Landscaper)

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“I oppose it because I worked so hard to make sure no one has anything that I don’t have.”

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Larry Belkin (Loan Officer)

Larry Belkin (Loan Officer)

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“I refuse to let Biden erase all the hard work I did tricking 18-year-olds into a predatory system.”

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Arlo Jones (Chef)

Arlo Jones (Chef)

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“Giving government handouts to people with student loan debt is unfair to those who have paid off their student loans and want to be real assholes about it.”

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Cody Walden (Wesleyan University Administrator)

Cody Walden (Wesleyan University Administrator)

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“Swindling students into crippling poverty is one of our school’s core values.”

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Dorothy Henderson (Auctioneer)

Dorothy Henderson (Auctioneer)

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“Can you even call yourself an American if you’re not drowning in debt?”

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Sloane Gutierrez (Librarian)

Sloane Gutierrez (Librarian)

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“In the Bible, Jesus says to never forgive.”

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Marcia Bailey (Project Manager)

Marcia Bailey (Project Manager)

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“I ate ramen for six years straight, sold plasma, and slept in my car to pay off my loans, and for some sick reason I want everyone else to do that too.”

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Jeff Bezos (CEO)

Jeff Bezos (CEO)

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“The thought of lifting anyone out of poverty makes me nauseous.”

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Brianna Briggs (Medical Secretary)

Brianna Briggs (Medical Secretary)

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“Well you see, whereas our economic system used to run on a gold-standard, now we run on a debt-standard that relies upon accelerating the burden of debt to generate economic activity, so anytime you make it easier to live in this country, you’re essentially destroying our society.”

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Fred Hampford (Fantasy)

Fred Hampford (Fantasy)

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“It just gets me so steaming mad to see student debt canceled because I’m a figment of Mitch McConnell’s imagination.”

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Rebecca Wilson (Human Resources Chief)

Rebecca Wilson (Human Resources Chief)

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“If I didn’t have all this debt holding me back, I’d leave my husband and kids right now.”

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Zane Gregory (Ballistics Engineer)

Zane Gregory (Ballistics Engineer)

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“Government handouts should be reserved for military contractors and banks.”

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Liza Dillahunt (Web Developer)

Liza Dillahunt (Web Developer)

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“The suffering, yes, it pleases me.”

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William Raza (Graphic Designer)

William Raza (Graphic Designer)

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“Steve Jobs dropped out of college. This connects somehow. Hold on, give me a second.”

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Greyson Woods (Systems Analyst)

Greyson Woods (Systems Analyst)

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“I was told that it would increase inflation, and that’s what I will continue to repeat.”

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Clark Waters (Art Director)

Clark Waters (Art Director)

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“I already paid off my loans, so it’s only fair that millions of people are forced into a perpetual struggle against a system that oppresses them whether or not they have avenues to eventually overcome their hardships.”

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Eric Wyman (Nonprofit President)

Eric Wyman (Nonprofit President)

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“I’d have to find another superficial excuse for when I vote for the Republican candidate in 2024.”

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Xavier Dahir (EMT)

Xavier Dahir (EMT)

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“It’s an astronomical waste of money considering no one’s going to pay their student loans back anyway.”

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Mathilde Klein (Furniture Repair)

Mathilde Klein (Furniture Repair)

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“I took out $200,000 in loans, and then I took out $400,000 more in loans, and then I took out $5.5 million in loans, and then I took out $34 million in loans, and then I took out $500 billion in loans, and then I took out $1.5 trillion in loans, and then I took out $21 trillion in loans, which is the size of the U.S. GDP, and I’ve never paid a cent of it back, and if they cancel student debt now, they’ll ruin my plan to kill myself and take the entire U.S. economy down with me.”

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India Avila (Aromatherapist)

India Avila (Aromatherapist)

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“Students who agreed to take on the debt should have known that they would be heading into several recessions and a pandemic after graduation.”

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Kevin Costner (Actor)

Kevin Costner (Actor)

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“Didn’t expect to see ol’ Kevin Costner showing up in this slideshow, did you? $35,000. That’s what I was paid to appear in this. Just to keep you excited about what’s going on in here. Anyway, click on ahead. Don’t let me slow you down.”

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Roberto Park (Mechanical Engineer)

Roberto Park (Mechanical Engineer)

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“I don’t like anything that pleases Elizabeth Warren.”

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Helena Anderson (Business Consultant)

Helena Anderson (Business Consultant)

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“I worked over 800 years to pay off my student loan debt, and I think everyone else should be forced into eternal slavery to do the same.”

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Rich Staunton (Administrative Assistant)

Rich Staunton (Administrative Assistant)

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“They say canceling student loan debt will help make people less stressed and miserable, but they’re lying. I don’t have any student loan debt, and I’m stressed and miserable.”

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