The Covid-19 pandemic shook up office life in ways both good and bad, ushering in a new era of remote and hybrid work that has become increasingly permanent due to employee demands. The Onion spoke to everyday Americans about why they refuse to return to the office, and this is what they said.
“I like the freedom of choosing where to be miserable from.”
“I can dick around for seven and a half hours and do actual work for the last 30 minutes of my shift no matter where I am.”
“I dressed up a mannequin and sat her at my desk in, like, 2018. No one has noticed yet, so I doubt they’ll start now.”
“I’ve found it much easier to masturbate on the clock here.”
“I forgot where our office building is, and I’m too afraid to ask.”
“I wasn’t doing much at work anyway.”
“Turns out my kids are actually pretty cool once you get to know them.”
“I hate wasting an hour each day commuting when I could be wasting that time in other, equally frustrating ways.”
“All of my most annoying coworkers survived Covid.”
“I’d have to keep Excel open all the time to cover up the window where I’m doing my embezzling, and that’s just annoying.”
“I’ve already fucked all of my coworkers.”
“Going to work is for poor people.”
“I don’t want to be in the same room as those psychos.”
“The #MeToo movement ruined inappropriate workplace relationships.”
“If I go back to the office, the sorrowful voices will come back too.”
“It’s cold there, so very cold…”
“I can be miserable from home just as easily.”
“I’m unemployed. I don’t even know what office I would go to at this point.”
“Gutting and skinning livestock virtually is so much easier for my schedule.”
[No response.]