Americans Explain Why They Refuse To Return To The Office

Americans Explain Why They Refuse To Return To The Office

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The Covid-19 pandemic shook up office life in ways both good and bad, ushering in a new era of remote and hybrid work that has become increasingly permanent due to employee demands. The Onion spoke to everyday Americans about why they refuse to return to the office, and this is what they said.

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Shariq Khan (Software Engineer)

Shariq Khan (Software Engineer)

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“I like the freedom of choosing where to be miserable from.”

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Mike O’Neil (Software Engineer)

Mike O’Neil (Software Engineer)

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“I can dick around for seven and a half hours and do actual work for the last 30 minutes of my shift no matter where I am.”

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Susan Driscoll (Publicist)

Susan Driscoll (Publicist)

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“I dressed up a mannequin and sat her at my desk in, like, 2018. No one has noticed yet, so I doubt they’ll start now.”

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Ryan Timms (Data Analyst)

Ryan Timms (Data Analyst)

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“I’ve found it much easier to masturbate on the clock here.”

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Nolan Sheppard (Sales Rep)

Nolan Sheppard (Sales Rep)

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“I forgot where our office building is, and I’m too afraid to ask.”

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Debra Houry (CDC Deputy Director)

Debra Houry (CDC Deputy Director)

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“I wasn’t doing much at work anyway.”

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Doug Pasternak (Stockbroker)

Doug Pasternak (Stockbroker)

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“Turns out my kids are actually pretty cool once you get to know them.”

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Megan Liu (Graphic Designer)

Megan Liu (Graphic Designer)

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“I hate wasting an hour each day commuting when I could be wasting that time in other, equally frustrating ways.”

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Keith Fuentes (Copywriter)

Keith Fuentes (Copywriter)

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“All of my most annoying coworkers survived Covid.”

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Will Rosen (Accounts Receivable)

Will Rosen (Accounts Receivable)

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“I’d have to keep Excel open all the time to cover up the window where I’m doing my embezzling, and that’s just annoying.”

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Julia Bara (Marketing)

Julia Bara (Marketing)

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“I’ve already fucked all of my coworkers.”

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George Buchanan (Banker)

George Buchanan (Banker)

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“Going to work is for poor people.”

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Malek Agha (Therapist)

Malek Agha (Therapist)

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“I don’t want to be in the same room as those psychos.”

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Samir Jamal (Accountant)

Samir Jamal (Accountant)

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“The #MeToo movement ruined inappropriate workplace relationships.”

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Brittany Gillespie (Web Developer)

Brittany Gillespie (Web Developer)

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“If I go back to the office, the sorrowful voices will come back too.”

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Mary Gillmore (Accountant)

Mary Gillmore (Accountant)

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“It’s cold there, so very cold…”

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Greg Bach (Human Resources)

Greg Bach (Human Resources)

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“I can be miserable from home just as easily.”

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Mark Jansen (Unemployed)

Mark Jansen (Unemployed)

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“I’m unemployed. I don’t even know what office I would go to at this point.”

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Hank Robinson (Slaughterhouse Worker)

Hank Robinson (Slaughterhouse Worker)

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“Gutting and skinning livestock virtually is so much easier for my schedule.”

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Mike Davis (Kellogg’s Factory Worker)

Mike Davis (Kellogg’s Factory Worker)

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[No response.]

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