Americans Explain Why They Support Going To War With China

“America has a lot of pent-up aggression that needs a healthy outlet, like war.”

“I think the recent successes of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan show that we’re ready to take on a much more formidable opponent.”

“I think it’s time for a bonus.”

“It would draw attention away from my disaster of a panna cotta.”

“My iPhone broke after a year, so I’ve got a bone to pick with that Chinese factory’s idea of high-quality goods.”

“My New Year’s resolution was to fuel more senseless bloodshed.”

“It would be nice to be deployed to East Asia for a change.”

“I basically support whatever as long as it doesn’t affect me personally.”

“It’s just kind of what we do, isn’t it?”

“Well, the thing is, war increases domestic manufacturing, which in turn improves our GDP, so there’s really no downside to war.”

“I just think it would be weird if we scapegoated them for a bunch of stuff for like 40 years and then didn’t go to war with them.”

“While I oppose unnecessary violence, I am dying to practice my Mandarin.”

“I am trying to say ‘yes’ more.”

“I still need a shit-ton of content to fill my next 26-hour documentary, and Ken Burns’ The Chinese-American War sounds amazing, right?”

“We can make up an excuse later!”

“My therapist recommended I open myself up more to things that scare me.”

“Ever since I heard about nuclear weapons, I’ve always wanted to experience one myself.”

“I’m honestly just bored.”

“I wish to die a pointless, gruesome death abroad.”

“I specialize in PTSD treatment, so 20 or so years down the line, I could be making bank.”

“Yao Ming remains too tall to be tolerated.”

“I don’t even know if I’m a person with my own thoughts, or if I just think whatever TV and the internet programs me to think. I’m so mired in ideology that even when I attempt to strip away what you might consider the external rhetoric that I’ve inherited, it’s hard to tell if anything truly remains of my being. Given that existential quagmire, I can either spend every day in a quasi-schizophrenic panic, or I can comfort myself with the mass-produced ideal that I’ve been invited to accept, which in this case is going to war with China.”