Americans Explain Why They Support Going To War With China

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Kayla Merrick (Therapist)

“America has a lot of pent-up aggression that needs a healthy outlet, like war.”

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Yvette Wirth (Home Health Aide)

“I think the recent successes of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan show that we’re ready to take on a much more formidable opponent.”

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Jim Taiclet (Lockheed Martin CEO)

“I think it’s time for a bonus.”

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Erin Neel (Chef)

“It would draw attention away from my disaster of a panna cotta.”

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Joe Lopez (Truck Driver)

“My iPhone broke after a year, so I’ve got a bone to pick with that Chinese factory’s idea of high-quality goods.”

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William Burns (CIA Director)

“My New Year’s resolution was to fuel more senseless bloodshed.”

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Marcus Ruiz (Captain, U.S. Army)

“It would be nice to be deployed to East Asia for a change.”

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Lisa Monroe (Notary)

“I basically support whatever as long as it doesn’t affect me personally.”

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Irene Kondo (Cashier)

“It’s just kind of what we do, isn’t it?”

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Edna Bass (Receptionist)

“Well, the thing is, war increases domestic manufacturing, which in turn improves our GDP, so there’s really no downside to war.”

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Craig Leonard (Roofer)

“I just think it would be weird if we scapegoated them for a bunch of stuff for like 40 years and then didn’t go to war with them.”

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Pete Buttigieg (Transportation Secretary)

“While I oppose unnecessary violence, I am dying to practice my Mandarin.”

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Ben Santos (Personal Assistant)

“I am trying to say ‘yes’ more.”

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Ken Burns (Director)

“I still need a shit-ton of content to fill my next 26-hour documentary, and Ken Burns’ The Chinese-American War sounds amazing, right?”

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John Bolton (Former National Security Advisor)

“We can make up an excuse later!”

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Mazien Agha (Dog Walker)

“My therapist recommended I open myself up more to things that scare me.”

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Craig Benbow (Attorney)

“Ever since I heard about nuclear weapons, I’ve always wanted to experience one myself.”

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Jason Morbuz (Bus Driver)

“I’m honestly just bored.”

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Julie Rasmussen (U.S. Marine)

“I wish to die a pointless, gruesome death abroad.”

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Annie Williams (Therapist)

“I specialize in PTSD treatment, so 20 or so years down the line, I could be making bank.”

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Kris Hollings (Software Developer)

“Yao Ming remains too tall to be tolerated.”

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Dallas Castillo (Photographer)

“I don’t even know if I’m a person with my own thoughts, or if I just think whatever TV and the internet programs me to think. I’m so mired in ideology that even when I attempt to strip away what you might consider the external rhetoric that I’ve inherited, it’s hard to tell if anything truly remains of my being. Given that existential quagmire, I can either spend every day in a quasi-schizophrenic panic, or I can comfort myself with the mass-produced ideal that I’ve been invited to accept, which in this case is going to war with China.”