Americans Explain Why They Support The Death Penalty

Americans Explain Why They Support The Death Penalty

We may earn a commission from links on this page.
Start Slideshow
Image for article titled Americans Explain Why They Support The Death Penalty

Capital punishment is an extremely controversial part of an already-fraught U.S. justice system. The Onion asked everyday Americans why they support it, and this is what they said.

Advertisement
Previous Slide
Next Slide

Mel Mickelson (Executioner)

Mel Mickelson (Executioner)

Image for article titled Americans Explain Why They Support The Death Penalty

“I didn’t go through eight years of execution school, a prison residency, and lever-pulling training to work in a different field.”

Advertisement
Previous Slide
Next Slide

Eric DiStefano (Tennis Coach)

Eric DiStefano (Tennis Coach)

Image for article titled Americans Explain Why They Support The Death Penalty

“Born into the vicious cycle of abject poverty, crushed under the boot of structural and state-sanctioned racism, convicted wrongly of a crime, euthanized without the chance of appeal? That’s the American Dream.”

Advertisement
Previous Slide
Next Slide

Kay Ivey (Governor of Alabama)

Kay Ivey (Governor of Alabama)

Image for article titled Americans Explain Why They Support The Death Penalty

“Calling off an execution with minutes to spare is the only time they let me use the big red phone.”

Advertisement
Previous Slide
Next Slide

Samantha Rojas (Social Worker)

Samantha Rojas (Social Worker)

Image for article titled Americans Explain Why They Support The Death Penalty

“I have a friend who was killed on death row and he turned out just fine.”

Advertisement
Previous Slide
Next Slide

Eleanor Parsons (Serf)

Eleanor Parsons (Serf)

Image for article titled Americans Explain Why They Support The Death Penalty

“In our miserable lives of tillin’ m’lord’s fields, we ain’t got much else to look forward to other than a good hangin’ in the town square.”

Advertisement
Previous Slide
Next Slide

Samuel Alito (U.S. Supreme Court Justice)

Samuel Alito (U.S. Supreme Court Justice)

Image for article titled Americans Explain Why They Support The Death Penalty

“It’s hilarious.”

Advertisement
Previous Slide
Next Slide

Mary Carver (Veterinarian)

Mary Carver (Veterinarian)

Image for article titled Americans Explain Why They Support The Death Penalty

“It’s heartbreaking, but you can’t find a forever home for every prisoner.”

Advertisement
Previous Slide
Next Slide

Spencer Burns (Police Officer)

Spencer Burns (Police Officer)

Image for article titled Americans Explain Why They Support The Death Penalty

“Sometimes people survive getting shot.”

Advertisement
Previous Slide
Next Slide

Javier Patterson (Model)

Javier Patterson (Model)

Image for article titled Americans Explain Why They Support The Death Penalty

“It sends a message to alive people that they can be dead people.”

Advertisement
Previous Slide
Next Slide

Humza Rashid (Physician)

Humza Rashid (Physician)

Image for article titled Americans Explain Why They Support The Death Penalty

“Inmates choosing their last meal might be the only way they can get proper nutrition in prison.”

Advertisement
Previous Slide
Next Slide

Susan Sarandon (Actress)

Susan Sarandon (Actress)

Image for article titled Americans Explain Why They Support The Death Penalty

“Without it, I never would have won an academy award.”

Advertisement
Previous Slide
Next Slide

Darryl Gibbs (Real Estate Agent)

Darryl Gibbs (Real Estate Agent)

Image for article titled Americans Explain Why They Support The Death Penalty

“If it’s good enough for God, it’s good enough for me.”

Advertisement
Previous Slide
Next Slide

Jared Peters (Digital Ad Salesman)

Jared Peters (Digital Ad Salesman)

Image for article titled Americans Explain Why They Support The Death Penalty

“There’s nothing more thrilling than watching an innocent man be put to death for a crime I secretly committed.”

Advertisement
Previous Slide
Next Slide

Seth Tabor (Small Business Owner)

Seth Tabor (Small Business Owner)

Image for article titled Americans Explain Why They Support The Death Penalty

​“How else am I supposed to keep my pancuronium bromide store in business?”

Advertisement
Previous Slide
Next Slide

Carla Robbins (Nanny)

Carla Robbins (Nanny)

Image for article titled Americans Explain Why They Support The Death Penalty

“I’m down with anything that coarsens our society in general.”

Advertisement
Previous Slide
Next Slide

Naomi Lewis (Data Analyst)

Naomi Lewis (Data Analyst)

Image for article titled Americans Explain Why They Support The Death Penalty

“Not all prisoners are good at forced labor.”

Advertisement
Previous Slide
Next Slide

Mac Turner (Gas Station Attendant)

Mac Turner (Gas Station Attendant)

Image for article titled Americans Explain Why They Support The Death Penalty

“There are some real sickos out there. There are some fake sickos, too, so hopefully you can figure that out before you kill them.”

Advertisement
Previous Slide
Next Slide

Andrew Bell (Teacher)

Andrew Bell (Teacher)

Image for article titled Americans Explain Why They Support The Death Penalty

“It acts as a deterrent for people who rationally weigh the pros and cons of going on a murder spree.”

Advertisement
Previous Slide
Next Slide

Tammy Wilson (Chef)

Tammy Wilson (Chef)

Image for article titled Americans Explain Why They Support The Death Penalty

“What else are we supposed to do with all these electric chairs?”

Advertisement