
Capital punishment is an extremely controversial part of an already-fraught U.S. justice system. The Onion asked everyday Americans why they support it, and this is what they said.
Capital punishment is an extremely controversial part of an already-fraught U.S. justice system. The Onion asked everyday Americans why they support it, and this is what they said.
“I didn’t go through eight years of execution school, a prison residency, and lever-pulling training to work in a different field.”
“Born into the vicious cycle of abject poverty, crushed under the boot of structural and state-sanctioned racism, convicted wrongly of a crime, euthanized without the chance of appeal? That’s the American Dream.”
“Calling off an execution with minutes to spare is the only time they let me use the big red phone.”
“I have a friend who was killed on death row and he turned out just fine.”
“In our miserable lives of tillin’ m’lord’s fields, we ain’t got much else to look forward to other than a good hangin’ in the town square.”
“It’s hilarious.”
“It’s heartbreaking, but you can’t find a forever home for every prisoner.”
“Sometimes people survive getting shot.”
“It sends a message to alive people that they can be dead people.”
“Inmates choosing their last meal might be the only way they can get proper nutrition in prison.”
“Without it, I never would have won an academy award.”
“If it’s good enough for God, it’s good enough for me.”
“There’s nothing more thrilling than watching an innocent man be put to death for a crime I secretly committed.”
“How else am I supposed to keep my pancuronium bromide store in business?”
“I’m down with anything that coarsens our society in general.”
“Not all prisoners are good at forced labor.”
“There are some real sickos out there. There are some fake sickos, too, so hopefully you can figure that out before you kill them.”
“It acts as a deterrent for people who rationally weigh the pros and cons of going on a murder spree.”
“What else are we supposed to do with all these electric chairs?”