Americans Explain Why They Support The Death Penalty

Americans Explain Why They Support The Death Penalty

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Capital punishment is an extremely controversial part of an already-fraught U.S. justice system. The Onion asked everyday Americans why they support it, and this is what they said.

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Mel Mickelson (Executioner)

Mel Mickelson (Executioner)

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“I didn’t go through eight years of execution school, a prison residency, and lever-pulling training to work in a different field.”

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Eric DiStefano (Tennis Coach)

Eric DiStefano (Tennis Coach)

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“Born into the vicious cycle of abject poverty, crushed under the boot of structural and state-sanctioned racism, convicted wrongly of a crime, euthanized without the chance of appeal? That’s the American Dream.”

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Kay Ivey (Governor of Alabama)

Kay Ivey (Governor of Alabama)

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“Calling off an execution with minutes to spare is the only time they let me use the big red phone.”

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Samantha Rojas (Social Worker)

Samantha Rojas (Social Worker)

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“I have a friend who was killed on death row and he turned out just fine.”

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Eleanor Parsons (Serf)

Eleanor Parsons (Serf)

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“In our miserable lives of tillin’ m’lord’s fields, we ain’t got much else to look forward to other than a good hangin’ in the town square.”

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Samuel Alito (U.S. Supreme Court Justice)

Samuel Alito (U.S. Supreme Court Justice)

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“It’s hilarious.”

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Mary Carver (Veterinarian)

Mary Carver (Veterinarian)

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“It’s heartbreaking, but you can’t find a forever home for every prisoner.”

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Spencer Burns (Police Officer)

Spencer Burns (Police Officer)

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“Sometimes people survive getting shot.”

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Javier Patterson (Model)

Javier Patterson (Model)

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“It sends a message to alive people that they can be dead people.”

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Humza Rashid (Physician)

Humza Rashid (Physician)

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“Inmates choosing their last meal might be the only way they can get proper nutrition in prison.”

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Susan Sarandon (Actress)

Susan Sarandon (Actress)

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“Without it, I never would have won an academy award.”

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Darryl Gibbs (Real Estate Agent)

Darryl Gibbs (Real Estate Agent)

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“If it’s good enough for God, it’s good enough for me.”

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Jared Peters (Digital Ad Salesman)

Jared Peters (Digital Ad Salesman)

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“There’s nothing more thrilling than watching an innocent man be put to death for a crime I secretly committed.”

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Seth Tabor (Small Business Owner)

Seth Tabor (Small Business Owner)

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​“How else am I supposed to keep my pancuronium bromide store in business?”

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Carla Robbins (Nanny)

Carla Robbins (Nanny)

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“I’m down with anything that coarsens our society in general.”

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Naomi Lewis (Data Analyst)

Naomi Lewis (Data Analyst)

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“Not all prisoners are good at forced labor.”

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Mac Turner (Gas Station Attendant)

Mac Turner (Gas Station Attendant)

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“There are some real sickos out there. There are some fake sickos, too, so hopefully you can figure that out before you kill them.”

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Andrew Bell (Teacher)

Andrew Bell (Teacher)

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“It acts as a deterrent for people who rationally weigh the pros and cons of going on a murder spree.”

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Tammy Wilson (Chef)

Tammy Wilson (Chef)

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“What else are we supposed to do with all these electric chairs?”

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