Americans Explain Why They Want Trump To Run Again

Americans Explain Why They Want Trump To Run Again

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After an FBI raid on Donald Trump’s residence at Mar-A-Lago, many are questioning whether the 45th president of the United States should run again for office. The Onion asked everyday Americans what they thought, and this is what they said.

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Leticia Ortega (Aerospace Engineer)

Leticia Ortega (Aerospace Engineer)

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“At this point, I’m just curious how far we’re actually capable of falling as a nation.”

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Andre Adams (Equipment Manager)

Andre Adams (Equipment Manager)

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“I don’t know why. The whole point is that I don’t have to think for myself anymore.”

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Jamie Hurwitz (Law Professor)

Jamie Hurwitz (Law Professor)

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“I miss an America where corporate tax rates were at a record low, fossil fuel extraction was at a record high, and a megalomaniacal 70-something spit in the face of a public health pandemic.”

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Gloria McGee (Market Research Analyst)

Gloria McGee (Market Research Analyst)

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“I want blood in the streets, and that seems like the fastest way to get there.”

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Kendra Cohen (Construction Worker)

Kendra Cohen (Construction Worker)

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“Things have gotten bad, and I want them to be much, much worse.”

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Joe Biden (President)

Joe Biden (President)

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“Literally the only way I get reelected.”

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Rodney Carter (Loan Officer)

Rodney Carter (Loan Officer)

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“I’m sick of Democrat-led partisan gridlock and want Republican-led partisan gridlock instead.”

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Heidi Walker (Dental Hygienist)

Heidi Walker (Dental Hygienist)

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“There’s still one or two civic institutions he needs to finish off.”

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Henrietta Reiss (Court Stenographer)

Henrietta Reiss (Court Stenographer)

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“We need to replace our 81-year-old president suffering from cognitive decline with a 78-year-old one suffering from cognitive decline.”

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Eric Trump (Businessman)

Eric Trump (Businessman)

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“He said if he won again, I’d finally get that hug.”

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Tanner Delano (Car Sales)

Tanner Delano (Car Sales)

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“I’m tired of actually doing things to improve the material conditions around me.”

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Irvin Nolan (Massage Therapist)

Irvin Nolan (Massage Therapist)

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“Washington needs an outsider like a wealthy former President to shake things up.”

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Fred Sutton (Contractor)

Fred Sutton (Contractor)

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“The prophecy will not​ be fulfilled if he doesn’t.”

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Steve Eisman (Investor)

Steve Eisman (Investor)

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“I’ve bet against the American economy before, and this guy’s basically guaranteed to make it crash.”

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Lance Drake (Hedge Fund Manager)

Lance Drake (Hedge Fund Manager)

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“Is national instability worth slightly lower taxes? I would say yes.”

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Fred Caruso (Chiropractor)

Fred Caruso (Chiropractor)

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“I look at Florida and think that’s what the entire country ought to be like.”

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Drew Costa (Restaurant Owner)

Drew Costa (Restaurant Owner)

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Image for article titled Americans Explain Why They Want Trump To Run Again

“He wants to be president, and why shouldn’t he get everything he wants?”

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Alice Walton (Walmart Heiress)

Alice Walton (Walmart Heiress)

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“He looks out for regular folks like me.”

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