WASHINGTON—Claiming that the newly signed executive order ending the separation of immigrant families at the border was a return to the United States’ most foundational principles, Americans reportedly finally recognized their own country again Wednesday after witnessing the president do a half-assed job walking back humanitarian crimes. “Now that Trump has agreed to slightly ratchet down these cruel and inhumane policies of his own making, we are once again the nation I know and love,” said Leanne Silvers, 29, echoing the sentiments of 320 million citizens who expressed their relief that the government had at long last renewed its commitment to diluting the most explicit human rights violations without fundamentally changing anything. “Now that this dark chapter in our history is over, we can once again serve as a city on a hill, a living symbol to all of slapping a Band-Aid on a horrific crisis and declaring it fixed forever. This is who we are. God bless America.” At press time, the nation’s citizenry had reportedly reaffirmed its sacred right to completely ignore human rights abuses as soon as they were off the front page.


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