Americans React To Brittney Griner Returning Home From Russia

Americans React To Brittney Griner Returning Home From Russia

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WNBA star Brittney Griner, who had been imprisoned for months in Russia for transporting cannabis vape cartridges, was released in a prisoner swap. The Onion asked Americans what they thought about the basketball player securing her freedom and returning home.

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Nelson Bauman (Adjunct Professor)

Nelson Bauman (Adjunct Professor)

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“Good, she should rot in the WNBA for her crimes.”

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Kamala Harris (Vice President)

Kamala Harris (Vice President)

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“And I got to stand by the phone while it all happened!”

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Paul Lipstadt (Creative Director)

Paul Lipstadt (Creative Director)

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“Thank God. Could you imagine someone getting incarcerated just for marijuana?”

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Amanda Richardson (Paralegal)

Amanda Richardson (Paralegal)

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“Since they made her miss a whole season in the WNBA, Russia should really owe her $19 in lost wages as well.”

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Jasmin Nelson (Attorney)

Jasmin Nelson (Attorney)

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“And just in time for National Llama Day!”

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Michael Jordan (Former NBA Player)

Michael Jordan (Former NBA Player)

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“I went through something similar when I returned to American basketball from the horrifying prison that is Major League Baseball.”

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Paul Green (Chef)

Paul Green (Chef)

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“Sorry, I don’t watch women’s sports unless they’re way more naked.”

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Sophie Lin (Bartender)

Sophie Lin (Bartender)

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“This is just like one of those Hallmark Christmas movies where someone returns to their hometown after 10 months in a Russian prison.”

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Brittney Griner (Basketball Player)

Brittney Griner (Basketball Player)

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“Honestly, kind of ambivalent.”

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Alexander Barajas (Supervisor)

Alexander Barajas (Supervisor)

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“Let’s not forget, Griner was in Russia in the first place because of the insane pay gap between male and female basketball players, which should stay right where it is.”

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Nadia French (Florist)

Nadia French (Florist)

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“It could’ve been worse—she could’ve been serving jail time in the U.S.”

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Samuel Dillingham (Truck Driver)

Samuel Dillingham (Truck Driver)

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“Did she bring us anything?”

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Jubjub (Tortoise)

Jubjub (Tortoise)

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“In all my 150 years, I hath never experienced such jubilation! A vegetable cake for all!”

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Hadley Slansky (Spa Manager)

Hadley Slansky (Spa Manager)

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“I prefer true crime stories where the person dies.”

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LeBron James (Basketball Player)

LeBron James (Basketball Player)

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“I’m happy about it. What? You’re trying to insinuate I’m not?”

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Greg Zavala (Flight Attendant)

Greg Zavala (Flight Attendant)

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“Hopefully now she has learned her lesson about murdering people, or whatever crime of that magnitude she must have committed to be handed such a harsh sentence.”

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Scorch (Phoenix Mercury Mascot)

Scorch (Phoenix Mercury Mascot)

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[Zany gesturing]

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Alicia Gibbs (Wedding Coordinator)

Alicia Gibbs (Wedding Coordinator)

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“Yet you won’t hear liberals saying, ‘Thank you, Mr. Trump.”

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Stephen Wayne (Bus Driver)

Stephen Wayne (Bus Driver)

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“It’s sad that stars like Brittney Griner have to be imprisoned in Russia because we won’t pay them enough to be imprisoned here.”

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