WNBA star Brittney Griner, who had been imprisoned for months in Russia for transporting cannabis vape cartridges, was released in a prisoner swap. The Onion asked Americans what they thought about the basketball player securing her freedom and returning home.
“Good, she should rot in the WNBA for her crimes.”
“And I got to stand by the phone while it all happened!”
“Thank God. Could you imagine someone getting incarcerated just for marijuana?”
“Since they made her miss a whole season in the WNBA, Russia should really owe her $19 in lost wages as well.”
“And just in time for National Llama Day!”
“I went through something similar when I returned to American basketball from the horrifying prison that is Major League Baseball.”
“Sorry, I don’t watch women’s sports unless they’re way more naked.”
“This is just like one of those Hallmark Christmas movies where someone returns to their hometown after 10 months in a Russian prison.”
“Honestly, kind of ambivalent.”
“Let’s not forget, Griner was in Russia in the first place because of the insane pay gap between male and female basketball players, which should stay right where it is.”
“It could’ve been worse—she could’ve been serving jail time in the U.S.”
“Did she bring us anything?”
“In all my 150 years, I hath never experienced such jubilation! A vegetable cake for all!”
“I prefer true crime stories where the person dies.”
“I’m happy about it. What? You’re trying to insinuate I’m not?”
“Hopefully now she has learned her lesson about murdering people, or whatever crime of that magnitude she must have committed to be handed such a harsh sentence.”
[Zany gesturing]
“Yet you won’t hear liberals saying, ‘Thank you, Mr. Trump.”
“It’s sad that stars like Brittney Griner have to be imprisoned in Russia because we won’t pay them enough to be imprisoned here.”