According to a new study by the U.S. Geological Survey, nearly half of all U.S. drinking water is laced with PFAS, or “forever chemicals.” The Onion asked Americans how they felt about potentially drinking per- and polyfluoroalkyl substances, and this is what they said.
“People should accept the risks when they do something as reckless as getting a glass of water.”
“Thankfully, you can purify a glass of water by just mixing in a cup of bleach.”
“You mean I’ve been wasting all this money drinking bottles of perfluorooctanoic sulfonic acid when I could be getting it for free from my sink?”
“If you want a refreshing drink with fewer chemicals than water, try Coke Zero.”
“There’s no scientific evidence that dying is bad.”
“It’s totally safe. Try drowning in water that thick. You can’t!”
“So that’s why my shower catches fire.”
“At least it’s not in anything we drink.”
“Legally, the EPA can only recommend that Americans who want to avoid PFAS kill themselves.”
“I’m already drafting a bill that gives personhood to forever chemicals inside of women.”
“If you’re not supposed to dump toxic chemicals into the waterways, then why does it feel so good?”
“It’s actually kind of hyperbolic to refer to it as ‘water.’”
“I don’t cook or wear makeup, so having it in the water supply is the best way for me to get my recommended daily dose of polyfluoroalkyl.”
“Let’s just be thankful our country has sufficient infrastructure to bring us our poisoned water.”
“Don’t worry, there’s plenty of other shit in our food that’s going to kill you before this does.”
“Market forces will balance out consumers’ desire for water and desire to not have cancer.”
“My daddy drank polyfluoroalkyl substances, and his daddy before him drank polyfluoroalkyl substances, and my grandchildren will damn sure drink polyfluoroalkyl substances.”
“I already have lymphoma from the Roundup. What is the water gonna do—give my cancer cancer?”