HARTFORD, CT—Noting how it would one day be regarded as an almost unimaginably precious bounty, sources confirmed Tuesday that the quantity of water local resident Kevin Lachowsky just used to wash a single dish will be the same amount awarded as the grand prize of hand-to-hand death matches in the year 2065. According to reports, the volume of water that passed down the 33-year-old’s drain as he cleaned a small salad bowl will, in 50 years’ time, be battled over by pairs of men who will repeatedly slam each other into the rock walls of a shallow pit in an attempt to kill one another and claim the life-sustaining reward for themselves. The victors in these future melees will, by all accounts, gladly choke the last shreds of life out of their opponents given the overwhelming motivation provided by the equivalent of the 17 seconds of tap water that Lachowsky had recently used to remove a thin film of leftover salad dressing from the ceramic vessel. At press time, sources reported that the amount of water Lachowsky continued to let run from his faucet while placing the newly clean dish in the drying rack would, half a century from now, be the quantity exchanged when selling a human being into slavery.
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