Dear Pope Pius, or Leo, or Boniface, or what-ever you're calling your-self these days,
I like to think of my-self as the American pope. Not that I am some damn Papist, but I must admit that you and I share some similarities. For starters, we both live in enormous palaces protected by a impenetrable phalanx of Swiss Guard. We both wear tall hats. And we both enjoy reading the Bible. My favorite part is when Ahitub begat Zadok.
Any-way, now that the ice is broken, the reason I am writing is as follows: My grand-son, L. Gideon, has run into a bit of trouble. The lad, who has always possessed the adventurous and impulsive spirit that embodies the great Zweibel clan, recently eloped with a mackerel snapper of Irish extraction from the near-by village. Need-less to say, I greatly fear that the Zweibel blood-line will be sullied. There-fore, I beseech you to annul their marriage before they start spawning a bunch of incense-swinging cunt turds.
My request should not be in any way interpreted as a submission to your authority. I continue to believe, as I always have, that you are in league with Satan. We Zweibels have been devoutly Protestant for generations. I can't remember exactly what faith we belong to, but I believe it was founded in the 16th century by a pointy-chinned Swiss fellow who believed that all souls are predestined to go to Hell, and that one's sexual organs should be nightly immersed in boiling quick-silver to eliminate any unhealthy compulsions.
In fact, I was simply going to have the Irish-woman assassinated, but I was talked out of it by my advisor, Beavers, who said that such an action might be detrimental to the reputation of this news-paper. Then I remembered once hearing that Catholics may only end a marital partnership with a special annulment granted by the church.
So I would very much be grateful if you would dissolve this shameful union in which my grand-son has involved him-self. Perhaps we can work out some kind of deal. For example, I would be willing to free the Archbishop of Baltimore from the dungeon beneath my estate. He's been in there nearly 20 years, and I know that's remained a particular sticking-point with you.
Awaiting your prompt reply,
I remain yours very truly,
T. Herman Zweibel
T. Herman Zweibel, the great grandson of Onion founder Friedrich Siegfried Zweibel, was born in 1868, became editor of The Onion at age 20, and persisted in various editorial posts until his launching into space in 2001. Zweibel's name became synonymous with American business success in the 20th century. Many consider him the “Father Of American Journalism,” also the title of his well-known 1943 biography, written by Norman Rombauer.