NEW YORK—Sixteen-year veteran and five-time world champion Andy Pettitte announced his retirement from professional baseball last Friday, telling reporters he was mostly leaving the game so he could inject human growth hormone to his heart's content and not be constantly harangued about it. "I was really torn between giving baseball one more go and being able to stick myself with needle upon needle of HGH without repercussions," said Pettitte, adding that if he had been given the option to use HGH with a guarantee he wouldn't be given a hard time about it, he would still be a New York Yankee. "But it's time for me to focus on my life after baseball—specifically, how enjoyable it will be to use performance-enhancing drugs without somebody hounding me to pee in a cup." Pettitte then smiled, thanked reporters and fans, and downed more than 50 tablets from a bottle labeled Max HGH.