ANAHEIM, CA—Asked for his thoughts on the potential departure of impending free agent star Shohei Ohtani, Los Angeles Angels general manager Perry Minasian told reporters Thursday that his team was “the most incompetent franchise in the history of professional sports.” “None of us know what the fuck we’re doing,” said Minasian, explaining why the supremely talented pitcher, designated hitter, outfielder, and 2021 American League MVP would likely become a free agent and leave the team that had failed to make the playoffs in all his years with them. “Only the most inept organization led by absolute idiots could have gotten six seasons of Ohtani’s prime, paired him with Mike Trout—another generational talent—and then, by some miracle of stupidity, failed to provide a supporting cast good enough to win at least a World Series or two. Did we even win the goddamn division? Not once. What a bunch of goddamn morons we are. Why on God’s green earth did he sign with us, anyway? I guess the poor guy didn’t know he was getting involved with a bunch of world-class fuckups. The minute the season ends, he should definitely high-tail it out of here and never look back. Christ, they ought to kick us out of the league.” At press time, the Angels front-office executives were all reportedly asking team owner Arte Moreno why the hell they still had their jobs.
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