NEW YORK—Finding themselves once again unable to progress through even a third of their agenda, the Audubon Society found themselves once again mired in controversy Thursday when an unprecedented fourth consecutive board meeting was derailed as attendees spent the bulk of their allotted time scoffing at cartoon character Tweety Bird’s “preposterous proportions.” “That monstrous head, that cephalic disaster, that over-swollen brainpan—my goodness, no bird has ever resembled or ever will resemble this abomination,” one anonymous member was quoted as saying in the meeting’s barely legible minutes, which indicated that all discussion devolved into the same cycles of Looney Tunes-inspired outrage that have plagued the Audubon Society since 1941, consistently eclipsing the itinerary’s urgent budget and fundraising issues. “Are we to believe this thing, this mutant, this veritable caricature, a flightless fowl with the eyes of a human and the vestigial wings of a dodo, is of the species Serinus canaria domestica? Why, the very idea! And what of those, shall we say, inflated feet—in an aspect greater than the entirety of the ludicrously small body—how is one to presume such an avian creature— for I shall not deign to call it by the name of bird—how does it walk? Perch? Peck for seed without over-toppling itself? Outrageous! Appalling! An affront to nature! An unconscionable mockery of our work!” At press time, the Audubon Society’s governing board once again delivered a letter to Warner Bros. demanding the studio “answer for the absurd liberties they have taken with ornithology, and the utter disregard of reason, taxonomy, and evolutionary principle,” receiving no response.
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