SCOTTSDALE, AZ—In an act designed to completely reassure voters about his health, presidential candidate John McCain checked himself into the Mayo Clinic yesterday, where he successfully completed another unbearably bloody, invasive, and most foul operation. "Sen. McCain's enterocutaneous fistula was treated swiftly and without incident, " said Dr. Michael Yardley, standing before the press covered in the 72-year-old's blood and fecal matter. "After we breached the abdominal wall to take numerous tissue samples from his small intestine, it was clear the senator was in perfect health for his age. A few more simple blood and mucus tests too horrifying to discuss here and the senator will be fit as a fiddle." Next month, doctors at the Cleveland Clinic will manually disimpact stool from McCain's fetid rectum in what is expected to be a painless procedure for the spry and virile Arizona senator.