In recent months, Apple has faced mounting criticism that it is no longer an innovative brand, and just last week the company was forced to cut orders of its plastic-encased iPhone 5C due to lack of demand. Here are Apple’s ideas for reviving its image as the most cutting-edge company in the tech industry:
- Every single iPhone will come with a unique backstory
- New razor-thin Apple Stores
- Programming Siri’s voice to age along with iPhone
- Genius Bar employees required to know, execute basic parkour moves
- Adding the word “innovative” to end of all product names
- CEO Tim Cook to adopt more youthful name A.J. Cook
- Creating a new market by taking the reflector thing that doctors used to wear on their foreheads and adding technology to it somehow
- Expanding the “Sent from my iPhone” email signature to a full-length sonnet
- New “I’m a Mac” commercials with hip indie celeb John Hodgman as the Mac
- All future technology to be released in cream-based form users apply to their face and enjoy
- Marking up prices of all products by $70
