Apple Unveils Single Colossal iPhone All Americans Can Use At Once

Illustration for article titled Apple Unveils Single Colossal iPhone All Americans Can Use At Once

CUPERTINO, CA—Touting the device as its most user-friendly and immersive to date, Apple unveiled the new iPhone X Continental at an event on their campus Thursday, marking the debut of the first smartphone colossal enough for all Americans to use at once. “Boasting a screen size of 1,400 by 2,875 miles and a resolution of 1.88x109 by 4.47x109, the new iPhone X Continental is large enough for every American to get their multitasking needs done simultaneously,” Apple CEO Tim Cook said at a press conference, noting that while the iPhone X Continental’s state-of-the-art OLED coast-to-coast Retina display can support the use of over 2.6 billion apps at the same time, the device still boasts a 13-hour battery life, is capable of wireless charging, and does away with the headphone jack in favor of a more streamlined Bluetooth experience. “With a patented, secure TrueDepth sensor system programmed to recognize all 324 million Americans’ Face IDs to an 800 billion–pixel camera capable of taking crisp panoramic close-ups of the Rocky mountains, the iPhone X Continental sets a new benchmark for landmass-spanning personal devices. Its 256 terabytes of storage are enough for all Americans’ photos and videos, and the iOS 12 operating system lets users access news and messages with a simple, intuitive 800-mile swipe of the screen. We’re confident all of our customers will love using it together.” At press time, Apple had initiated a recall of the iPhone after its screen shattered into more than 13 million pieces, killing 400.

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