KANJERA, KENYA—In a groundbreaking find that provides new insight into early human behavior, a group of archaeologists from the Smithsonian Institute announced the discovery Friday of the first known hominid to own tools but never use them. “Based on the evidence we uncovered, it appears this ancient human ancestor was the earliest species to keep a variety of specialized stone implements nearby without ever picking one of them up and putting it to use,” said Dr. Phillip Davidson, adding that the team unearthed a neatly arranged set of choppers, awls, and scrapers with no wear on their surfaces whatsoever, indicating they were never employed on even a single project. “Our findings suggest that these tools were procured by this early hominid in the Lower Paleolithic period, set down in a designated space in the individual’s dwelling, and then simply stayed in the same spot untouched for the past 2 million years.” Davidson added that the tools were found next to a set of completely unused stone hand weights and a formal animal-hide loincloth that the protohuman appears to have worn only one time.
More from The Onion
‘Your Honor, I’m Ready To Present,’ Says Giuliani Pulling Rotted Melon, Stray Cat Out Of Old Burlap Sack