TUSUZAI, KAZAKHSTAN—Sighing at the end of another completely wasted day, a team of archaeologists confirmed Thursday they had discovered more old shit that sucks. “Our work at the site today has yielded more than 40 distinct pieces of complete crap,” archaeologist Karla Brandt said of the dig site in eastern Kazakhstan’s Tien Shan mountain range, in which her colleagues had discovered vast quantities of dirty and gross old stuff from the Wusun period that has no anthropological value whatsoever and, furthermore, totally fucking blows. “Most of this shit is so broken that it doesn’t tell us anything, and we just throw it away. A lot of this shit sucked to begin with, though. Like, what are these old-ass tools, and why are they so poorly made? What the fuck was wrong with this ancient civilization? And who designed all this crap? Imagine wasting your whole life decorating some poorly made clay shit with drawings that look like the worst possible versions of gods or animals. What a bunch of utter garbage.” At press time, the team of archaeologists reported from a nearby dig site that they had discovered a bunch of other shit that wasn’t nearly as old but sucked just as much.