RIVERSIDE, CA—In a meaningless discovery of no consequence whatsoever, archaeologists at the University of California, Riverside, announced Friday that their recent excavation of skeletal remains belonging to a human who walked the earth 2.7 years ago shed absolutely no new light on anything. “After conducting extensive tests, we have dated this wholly intact skeleton to early 2019, a period for which we require no further data of any kind because a comprehensive record already exists,” said Professor Melanie Spanwell, who led a team of more than two dozen researchers on a dig near the Yakima River in Washington State and helped recover the specimen that failed to tell scientists anything they didn’t already know about human activity in the region. “At first we were excited simply by how well-preserved these remains were, but then our examination revealed that nothing in this ancestor’s diet differed substantially from the foods we eat today, and the tools it would have used were remarkably similar to our own. Furthermore, though we are separated in time by more than 32 months, the DNA of this earlier human is indistinguishable from that of people in 2021, adding nothing our understanding of how modern Homo sapiens came to be.” At press time, Washington law enforcement officials confirmed the archaeologists were wanted on felony charges of desecrating a grave site.
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