VÉZÈRE VALLEY, FRANCE—Hailing the discovery as an extraordinary insight into the clumsiness of primitive man, archaeologists with the Université Paris-Sorbonne announced Tuesday that a recently unearthed trove of clay shards indicates they have found the dwelling of the earliest known klutz. “Based on their size, their distribution throughout the dwelling, and the sheer number of clay fragments recovered from the site, we believe this to be the home of one of the oldest putzes on record to regularly trip over his own feet, causing any armful of pots he was carrying to shatter on the ground,” said lead researcher Dr. Claire Andrieux, adding that similar specimens found nearby suggest that the ancient butterfingers seemed to be continually picking up far more arrowheads than he could carry, causing him to drop them on the earthen floor where they lay forgotten until he later stepped on them, causing him to drop yet another cup or bowl. “What’s remarkable is that the fault lines on the shards suggest this Mesolithic dolt would habitually break a container or vessel; attempt to repair it with a mixture of honey and sap; realize that his hands—and occasionally, somehow, also his nose or ears—had become stuck to the object, as smeared prints indicate; and then, while attempting to free himself with varying degrees of success, he would drop the object again, often in the exact same manner. This process seems to repeat several times. It’s a level of ineptitude we’ve never encountered so early in the geological record.” The archaeologists also announced the possible discovery of the klutz’s partially fossilized remains nearby, saying the cause of death appears to be cranial trauma from the ancient galoot striking his head on a rock outcropping, standing up so abruptly that he hit his head on a low branch, dislodging a wasp’s nest, which fell directly onto his head and slipped down to his shoulders, enraging the wasps within and causing them to repeatedly sting him until, fleeing blindly, he slipped on a pile of wet leaves and fell into the amber pit where scientists found his perfectly preserved remains.
More from The Onion