DAMASCUS—Saying they couldn’t imagine how any ancient people could put up with a place like this, a team of archaeologists announced Tuesday that they had unearthed the earliest known shithole located super far from everywhere. “From the pathetic ruins that we’ve uncovered thus far, this dump dates back to approximately 2000 BCE and was at least a thousand miles from pretty much anything important or halfway interesting,” said Dr. Olivia Duffy, adding that an analysis of preserved footprints and skeletal remains seemed to suggest that anyone who could migrate elsewhere did so, leaving only total loser townies to dick around and throw their lives away. “We found really no signs of culture at all, just a few crude dwellings, pottery shards we think belonged to jugs of alcohol, and what we suspect might have been a dirt field for doing doughnuts in ox carts. All we know for certain is that this was truly the armpit of the Fertile Crescent.” Duffy went on to say that the only writing sample found at the site was a clay tablet with cuneiform script that roughly translated to “Fuck this place.”

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