‘What A Bunch Of Losers,’ Researchers Say
MANAUS, BRAZIL— Archaeologists working in a remote section of the Amazon Rainforest announced Tuesday that they have discovered the ancient remnants of what they claimed may be the lousiest civilization in human history.
According to Dr. Ronald Farber, a professor from the University of Minnesota who is leading the excavation, the “half-assed” culture existed from about 450 B.C. until 220 B.C., when it abruptly disappeared—an event he said was “honestly no big loss” for our understanding of human culture.
“From what we’ve unearthed so far, it appears this pre-Columbian civilization was pretty much just copying what other, more superior groups nearby were doing—albeit to a much shittier degree,” Farber said. “They sucked. You should see the useless mess of a calendar these dumbasses came up with.”
“Uh, hello?” he added. “Did these nimrods even try observing and recording the positions of the constellations in the sky right above their freaking heads?”
Explaining that the site is of absolutely no consequence to archaeological scholarship, Farber told reporters the civilization’s extensive aqueduct system was so hilariously inefficient its inhabitants were practically drinking mud.
“And look at these piece of shit pipes they played music on,” said Farber, holding up several hollowed-out bones found at the site. “Flutes. Fucking flutes—not even one goddamn drum, by the way—and they make this god-awful, horribly shrill sound. Can you imagine how painful it must have been when a bunch of these dumb-dumbs were all going at it with their little pipes at the same time?”
The “Dipshits,” as Farber and his team have named them in a forthcoming paper in the American Journal Of Archaeology, are believed to have descended from tribes migrating south from Mesoamerica, but according to the study, their Olmec and Mayan contemporaries “could have shit better pottery and stonework than these guys made.”
“I don’t think we’re even going to waste our time deciphering the Dipshits’ written language,” Farber said. “What do we have to gain—a better understanding of their asinine agricultural methods or some insight into their boring-as-hell daily lives? Give me a break.”
An ancient ceremonial headdress, believed to belong to the ruler of the civilization, is reportedly the only artifact from the site that has captured the interest of the scientific community. However, the find was only deemed worthwhile after one of the archaeologists donned the feather diadem while prancing around and shouting, “Duh! Look at me, I’m King Fuckstick, Leader of the Numbskulls!”
Anthropologist Emily Sturgess, an expert on ancient religious ceremonies, said the evidence discovered by Farber’s team suggests a belief system far lamer and stupider than any she has ever come across.
“Many of the statues they’ve recovered depict a deity in the form of a truly stupid-looking anthropomorphic cornstalk,” Sturgess said. “And they seem to have made a series of blunders while constructing their massive sun temple, because each summer solstice the solar rays miss the opening at the top of the structure by a good two feet. Just unbelievable jackasses, these people.”
Though the team excavating the site is rapidly cataloging evidence of the civilization’s humiliating shortcomings, sources said it remained uncertain exactly how this society of rejects met its end.
“Our best guess is that these boneheads just lost interest in their completely forgettable culture, wandered off, and accidentally fell into volcanoes or burned to death in one of their ridiculous fire-dance rituals,” said research fellow David Reagan, smashing an asymmetrical clay bowl on a nearby rock. “Or maybe they all went blind staring at one of those precious solar eclipses they seemed to be so goddamn fond of predicting. Really, though, who cares?”
“I think we’re probably just going to cover all of this back up,” Reagan added.