NEW YORK—Shaking hands and thanking each other for taking the time to meet, the architects of the 2026 Market Crash parted ways Tuesday after a highly productive meal at the Capital Grille steakhouse in lower Manhattan. “You were right, Alex, that filet was fantastic—best steak in the city,” securities trader Anthony Bergen told the group, whose aggressive speculation on high-risk, off-balance sheet derivatives will, within 12 years, cripple nearly every sector of the global economy and send unemployment rates soaring. “Glad we could finally make this happen. How about we circle back next Tuesday and follow up on some of these thoughts. I’m thinking Nobu?” At press time, the main beneficiaries of the 2029 Emergency Economic Stabilization Act were reportedly calling their secretaries to schedule a lunch next week.
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