AKRON, OH—According to sources, local homeowner Terry Hoffman is positively determined, no matter the consequences or expense involved, to do something, anything with his wheelbarrow this weekend. "I don't care if it's hauling manure, or moving some potted plants, or just putting one brick inside and wheeling the thing back and forth from the backyard to the front yard, I am going to somehow use that wheelbarrow this weekend and nothing is going to stop me, do you understand me?" a resolute Hoffman told reporters, adding that he is aiming to silence "all of the naysayers and pernicious critics" in his own home who have consistently questioned his purchase since he brought the wheelbarrow back from The Home Depot three years ago. “Anyone who stands between me and that wheelbarrow is in for a world of trouble. And to all those who doubt the value of the wheelbarrow, and its place of prominence on the side of my yard, I say shame on you, for it shall be used, and it shall be used this very weekend!" At press time, Hoffman was seen typing “wheelbarrow uses” into Google.

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