LAWRENCE, KS—Admitting that he never pictured frittering away his time on Earth in quite this fashion, part-time retail employee Michael Storrs, 34, told sources Monday that he always thought he’d squander his life differently. “If you had asked me, when I was younger, how I’d waste whatever potential I have, I’d have guessed my life would play itself out at some soul-crushing light-blue-collar job, waiting for the day I could finally retire and then almost immediately die” said Storrs, who never anticipated he would watch his one precious life pass him by while living in an apartment with two adult roommates he barely knows instead of in a deeply mortgaged ranch house with a wife and children he barely knows. “After seeing my old man work himself to the bone at a thankless, meaningless job he hated in the service of a dying industry, I assumed I would face the same fate, so it’s weird to find myself stuck in an even shittier job, pissing away my existence with video games and getting high. I always figured that, one day, I would wake up to look back on a life full of much more meaningful regret.” Storrs added that if he could do it all over again, he would have developed a drinking problem far earlier.
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