Ask ‘The Onion’: How To Buy Your First Home

Ask ‘The Onion’: How To Buy Your First Home

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With interest rates at historic lows, more people than ever are thinking of breaking into the real estate market. You asked The Onion about how to buy your first home, and now, we have the answers.

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When is the best time to buy a home, generally speaking?

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1952.

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Do I really need to buy a house or can I wait until my parents die?

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Nice try, but they’re leaving it to your sister.

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How do I know if the neighborhood is gentrified?

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If you’re asking, you’re the one doing the gentrifying.

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How do I choose a real estate agent?

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Check out their headshots and then ask them to send in a reel of their best open house tours.

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How can I find a place within my budget?

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Add up how much money you have, then look for houses that cost that.

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What is escrow?

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A French dish of snails cooked in butter and herbs.

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What is the marble test?

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Place a marble on the floor. If it rolls down a slope and hits a wall, you can probably afford the house.

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At what point is the price of a home finalized?

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The second you let it slip that you liked the kitchen.

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Should I consider getting a fixer-upper?

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You should only take on this kind of project if you can honestly commit yourself to watching at least ten minutes of YouTube videos about rewiring a house.

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Is it really necessary for a house to have a foundation, four walls, and a roof?

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Start off small with squatting inside an abandoned shed and then work your way up.

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I finally saved enough for a down payment. Where do I sign?

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Illustration for article titled Ask ‘The Onion’: How To Buy Your First Home

Oops, too late. Some fucker already overbid and paid entirely in cash.

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