With interest rates at historic lows, more people than ever are thinking of breaking into the real estate market. You asked *The Onion* about how to buy your first home, and now, we have the answers.

# Ask ‘The Onion’: How To Buy Your First Home

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When is the best time to buy a home, generally speaking?

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1952.

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Do I really need to buy a house or can I wait until my parents die?

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Nice try, but they’re leaving it to your sister.

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How do I know if the neighborhood is gentrified?

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If you’re asking, you’re the one doing the gentrifying.

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How do I choose a real estate agent?

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Check out their headshots and then ask them to send in a reel of their best open house tours.

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How can I find a place within my budget?

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Add up how much money you have, then look for houses that cost that.

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What is escrow?

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A French dish of snails cooked in butter and herbs.

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What is the marble test?

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Place a marble on the floor. If it rolls down a slope and hits a wall, you can probably afford the house.

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At what point is the price of a home finalized?

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The second you let it slip that you liked the kitchen.

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Should I consider getting a fixer-upper?

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You should only take on this kind of project if you can honestly commit yourself to watching at least ten minutes of YouTube videos about rewiring a house.

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Is it really necessary for a house to have a foundation, four walls, and a roof?

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Start off small with squatting inside an abandoned shed and then work your way up.

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I finally saved enough for a down payment. Where do I sign?

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Oops, too late. Some fucker already overbid and paid entirely in cash.

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