Ask The Onion: How To Retire Comfortably

When would be the best time to start saving for retirement?

To ensure a secure and comfortable retirement, saving should begin at least five generations before you’re born.

How much money do I need to retire comfortably?

Doesn’t matter. Your kids are gonna pick you clean the moment your mind starts to go.

What’s the difference between a Traditional IRA, a Roth IRA, and David Lee Roth?

If you don’t know who Diamond Dave is, there’s no way you’re ready to retire.

I see the light. Is it time to retire?

Just a few more centuries of forced labor in the afterlife and you’ll be ready to kick back and relax.

The reason for this question is to inform you that your Social Security number has been suspended for suspicion of illegal activity.

If you do not contact us immediately, we will have no choice but to alert the authorities.

Is it true this slideshow will match retirement contributions up to 4%?

Not sure why but yes.

Uh...boss. I thought I was done! How can I make it any more clear to these guys I’m outta the game?

Come on, Big Guy, I can’t do it without you. This is the ultimate score!

I just ejaculated into my wife without a condom. Will that hurt my chances of retirement?

That’s what Mike Trout’s dad thought, but now look at him!

What if my main plan includes killing and assuming the identity of Ryan Seacrest and then just living the rest of my life hiding from the authorities?

Most financial experts would recommend targeting someone older and slower, like Robert DeNiro or Clint Eastwood.

I’m 103 years old. When should I start thinking about retirement?

Senator Feinstein? It’s time to take your medications and go to bed now.

Can’t the elderly live with their kids in intergenerational households like in other countries?

Great visit. I’ll call you next week, dad.

How much am I supposed to save when I don’t know how much longer I’ll be alive?

You will die on Jan. 25, 2078.