Ask The Onion: How To Retire Comfortably

In today’s world of financial uncertainty, it can be hard to tell when, and how, to ever stop working. You asked The Onion your most pressing questions about retirement, and now, we have the answers.

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Question

When would be the best time to start saving for retirement?

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Answer

To ensure a secure and comfortable retirement, saving should begin at least five generations before you’re born.

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Question

How much money do I need to retire comfortably?

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Answer

Doesn’t matter. Your kids are gonna pick you clean the moment your mind starts to go.

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Question

What’s the difference between a Traditional IRA, a Roth IRA, and David Lee Roth?

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Answer

If you don’t know who Diamond Dave is, there’s no way you’re ready to retire.

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Question

I see the light. Is it time to retire?

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Answer

Just a few more centuries of forced labor in the afterlife and you’ll be ready to kick back and relax.

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Question

The reason for this question is to inform you that your Social Security number has been suspended for suspicion of illegal activity.

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Answer

If you do not contact us immediately, we will have no choice but to alert the authorities.

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Question

Is it true this slideshow will match retirement contributions up to 4%?

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Answer

Not sure why but yes.

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Question

Uh...boss. I thought I was done! How can I make it any more clear to these guys I’m outta the game?

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Answer

Come on, Big Guy, I can’t do it without you. This is the ultimate score!

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Question

I just ejaculated into my wife without a condom. Will that hurt my chances of retirement?

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Answer

That’s what Mike Trout’s dad thought, but now look at him!

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Question

What if my main plan includes killing and assuming the identity of Ryan Seacrest and then just living the rest of my life hiding from the authorities?

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