Aspiring Tennis Player Informed She Doesn’t Have Press Conference Skills To Go Professional

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SANTA CLARITA, CA—Assured that she would still be able to play the game for fun, 11-year-old aspiring tennis player Leticia Roche was reportedly informed Wednesday that she did not have the press conference skills needed to go professional. “Tennis requires relentless determination and charisma behind the news microphones, and you just don’t have it,” coach Kris Hopman told Roche, adding that his protégée lacked the mental game necessary to take on punishing back-to-back interviews from ESPN, ABC, and other networks, which are known for pounding tennis stars with one pointless question after another. “Look, you’re an extremely gifted athlete, but you’ve really been dragging in front of the cameras. If you blow a matchup against a bumbling local TV correspondent, what chance do you think you’ll have in national—or international—media markets? You have to be four or five steps ahead of the reporters at all times. That’s what this game is all about.” At press time, Hopman added that he was very disappointed, believing Roche could have gone all the way to the top if it weren’t for her lackluster ability to serve post-match sound bites.