PHILADELPHIA—At a ceremony held in the Hilton Hotel banquet hall Wednesday evening, noted local asshole Mark Thorton, 54, was recognized by his asshole peers in the business community with an award honoring his illustrious career of distinguished asshole conduct.
“What a tremendous honor this is,” the beaming prick said during his acceptance speech, after thanking all the huge pieces of shit and unrepentant dicks with whom he has engaged in asshole business over the years. “I have always believed in working hard. And for members of my own field to take notice and acknowledge my accomplishments, it makes this award all the more special.”
“There have been so many achievements over the years that I’m proud of, but your recognition tonight ranks high among them,” the godawful fucker continued. “This truly means so much to me.”
The black-tie ceremony, an annual custom within the local asshole community, was reportedly attended by over 1,000 prominent dicks, some 350 festering mounds of human waste, and 75 unbearable brownnosers, many of whom lauded Thorton for his deep and lasting influence in the field of being a selfish, amoral sack of shit.
Thorton, who is regularly featured in Forbes magazine’s list of the nation’s top 20 heartless fucks, has spent nearly 30 years at the forefront of the asshole game. His legacy includes such accomplishments as ruining the lives of countless honest individuals, exploiting legal gray areas for personal gain, and systematically fucking over anyone who has placed the slightest semblance of trust in him, all of which, ceremony organizers noted, made him the overwhelming choice for recognition as this year’s biggest prick.
“We looked at a robust pool of potential recipients, but ultimately the choice was obvious,” said event director and fellow asshole Aaron Fitzpatrick, explaining that among the great many greasy little fuckers that were considered, Thorton was unquestionably the most influential and utterly detestable. “Mark is certainly one of the top leaders in our industry. If there’s anyone who deserves this honor, it’s him. He’s just incredible at what he does.”
“Honestly, it’s a wonder we didn’t honor him sooner,” added Fitzpatrick, who, like every other individual who attended the ceremony, is reportedly just a pile of shit.
A living, breathing pile of shit, sources confirmed.
According to several of those in attendance, a large photograph of the self-satisfied slimeball with his big shit-eating grin was projected onscreen throughout the ceremony. Additionally, one of the revered asshole’s business partners is said to have spoken at length in celebration of Thorton’s long career of making ethically hollow decisions, which reportedly ranged from using hostile takeovers to lay off thousands of blue-collar workers, to knowingly securing an annual bonus that is more than 30 times that of his secretary’s yearly wage, to just generally being an unapologetic dick right to people’s faces.
“You just have to respect everything Mark has done,” said the keynote speaker, Tim Greene, one of the massive, antagonistic dickwads and selfish fucking sons of bitches who works alongside Thorton at his financial firm, Enterprise Ventures. “He’s a trailblazer, a go-getter, and, to many here—myself included—a mentor.”
“Without Mark’s executive fellowship program, many of us wouldn’t even be here,” Greene continued, referring to a program that allows aspiring shitheads to shadow Thorton for a week in order to better emulate his unabashed greed and deceptiveness. “There’s no question that we’re all indebted to him for that. Most of us here can only dream of having even half the impact he’s had. He’s that good.”
Later in the evening, when the morally vacant fuck took the stage to accept his solid gold award, the conference hall is said to have echoed with nauseating laughter and obnoxious applause, as the slimy prick reeled off a number of asshole jokes and several fucking insufferable anecdotes about the asshole fucking details of his asshole life.
“If I can credit my success to one thing, it’s that [I’m a feckless, egotistical sociopath who believes he is God],” said Thorton, concluding his speech with some supreme, grade-A asshole self-congratulation. “This has been a wonderful day for me, and I’d like to offer my deepest thanks to all of you [soulless, vile wastes of human flesh] for this honor.”
“And I look forward to continuing to [ruthlessly destroy whomever or whatever I can in the name of my own self-aggrandizement] for many more years to come,” he added.
After a standing ovation from the nearly 1,500 steaming heaps of dogshit in attendance, the asshole thanked his frigid bitch wife and entitled prick sons, both of whom will inherit the enormous estate he amassed through the lucrative practice of absolutely shitting all over the virtues of decency and fairness.
The smug fuck, sources concluded.