Astronaut Returns From ISS With Annoying Space Accent

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CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—Adopting an affected speech pattern upon reentering Earth’s atmosphere, an astronaut aboard a SpaceX Crew Dragon capsule reportedly returned from the International Space Station with an annoying space accent Monday. “He was only in space for, like, nine months, and that is not long enough to pick up an accent,” said NASA mission coordinator Sheila Malone, who told reporters how the astronaut now made unnatural guttural sounds when pronouncing certain vowels and was always telling everyone they just had to go to space the first chance they got. “Dude, he’s from Ohio. He doesn’t need to go on and on about how he can’t get use to the food here because it’s not the same as it is in space, or how they have some expression they use aboard the ISS that he can’t possibly explain to us because we’ve never been there and just wouldn’t get it. Worst of all, he keeps making a big deal of dropping things while talking about how ‘crazy’ it is that objects just fall to the ground here, as if gravity were something he hadn’t been familiar with his whole life. It’s so fucking obnoxious.” At press time, sources reported the astronaut was lecturing co-workers on the proper way to pronounce Andromeda.