LOW EARTH ORBIT—Amazed and aroused by how majestic and sexy the planet appeared from his spacecraft’s window, U.S. astronaut Alex Freedman was reportedly stunned Thursday by just how fuckable Earth looked from a thousand miles above. “Oh my God, it’s so big and blue and gorgeous, I just want to take it in my hands and…mmmmmhhh,” said Freedman, letting out a deep moan before he went on to explain that while he had been told how aroused he would become when he first gazed upon the planet from space, he had never fully understood its monumental fuckability until this moment. “It’s got those curves, it’s so, so wet, and it’s just getting hotter all the time. It really puts your whole erotic life into perspective. Of course, I’ve jerked off to pictures of Earth in National Geographic before, but this is something else entirely. I came immediately.” At press time, Freedman admitted that the fact that the Earth was his mother made it even sexier.