HOUSTON—Calling it an “extraordinary, once-in-a-lifetime” celestial event, astronomers announced Tuesday that the Lord God Almighty’s penis would be visible in the night sky for the first time in a millennia. “Tonight, for the first time in over 1,000 years, the Holy Father’s divine phallus will descend from Heaven and be fully visible to anyone in the continental United States,” said Derek Heisy, an astronomer at Rice University, adding that the all-knowing Creator’s mighty shaft and head would likely drop down into the sky at 11:30 p.m. EST, and would swing slowly between Mars and Jupiter for approximately an hour. “While his Holiness’s Genitals may be ever present, it’s extremely rare that the entire, unadulterated member passes this close to the Earth’s horizon, enormous bush and all. In fact, if the sky is clear, you should be able to see the veins with a pair of binoculars or a small telescope. The last time this happened was during the Crusades, when His Blessed Schlong momentarily dangled from the Promised Land and He accidentally grazed his nuts against the moon.”At press time, astronomers were urging residents to not look directly at His Holiness’s Penis while it was erect, lest they risk going blind.
