Illustration for article titled ‘At Least Days Getting Longer,’ Squeaks Tiny Inner Voice Drowned Out By Rest Of Worriesem/em

BOSTON—Stressing the importance of looking on the bright side despite how things might seem right now, a tiny, pathetic voice reportedly squeaked, “At least the days are getting longer,” Friday before being drowned out by the litany of worries and fears continually roaring within your mind. “Hey, there’s still some nice weather to look forward to, right?” said the pipsqueak inner monologue before being utterly obliterated by the maelstrom of doubts, anxieties, and uncertainty that swirl around at all times inside your skull, constantly drowning you in a nauseous sense of existential dread and self-doubt. “Buck up, ol’ pal—these rough times can’t last forever!” At press time, sources confirmed that the pitiful little voice had made one final peep of, “Keep on chugging, buddy,” before being swallowed whole by a vortex of unrelenting despair from which it will never emerge.

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