WASHINGTON—Saying they were glad to accept consolation wherever they could find it, violence-weary Americans told reporters this week they were going to go ahead and take comfort in the fact that there hasn’t recently been a news story about a person killing and eating another person.
A broad spectrum of citizens from across the nation stated that with everything else going on in the world today, at least it’s been quite some time since they’ve opened up a newspaper and read about a deranged psychopath murdering and cannibalizing one or more strangers, coworkers, or family members, noting that the current absence of such an event is something they’ll readily take solace in.
“I have to say, it feels pretty good to have gone a while without seeing any TV news reports from a backyard crime scene where police are digging up half-eaten corpses,” said New Ulm, MN resident Ethan Rhodus, who along with many other Americans confirmed he hasn’t read a headline or watched a news magazine program’s investigation about anything like that lately. “Sure, there’s a lot of bad stuff happening everywhere, but nothing that specifically centers on some guy who lures people into his home, kills them, expertly butchers their remains, and then eats them. So that’s been nice.”
“And I haven’t had to watch a press conference in which a homicide detective talks about how this is the worst thing he’s ever seen either,” Rhodus continued. “When you look at things from that perspective, they don’t seem quite so bad.”
In addition to finding some reassurance in the lack of reports on people being flayed, hung from meat hooks, and having chunks of their flesh boiled in a pot, Americans said they appreciated that no investigator has uncovered a basement walk-in freezer full of leftover human body parts, and that no ongoing news stories prominently feature the phrases “grisly remains,” “dismemberment,” or “Craigslist horror.”
“When you really think about it, it’s actually kind of a miracle there isn’t a guy out there right now killing random people and turning them into quilts or something.”
Members of the traumatized public noted they’re also taking comfort in the fact that no one in recent memory has been found using the cannibalized bones of their murder victims to construct some sort of ghoulish shrine in their home, or to conduct bizarre sexual rituals of any kind.
“Obviously, it’s depressing to read about someone who gets into a petty argument with his roommates and winds up killing them, which is still pretty common,” said Michelle Boland of Terre Haute, IN, one of many Americans who expressed gratitude that a killer known only as the Cincinnati Skinner is not presently stalking the Midwest. “But it’s much, much worse to read about someone who chops up his roommates and then eats them. We’ve had a good long stretch since something like that’s happened.”
“Seriously, what’s it been?” Boland added. “Five, six months? I’ll take that.”
Recognizing their current run of good luck won’t last forever, many Americans told reporters they intend to make the best of it while they can. Even if the streak ends tomorrow, they said, they will always be thankful none of the national news stories from the past several weeks have involved two men with cannibal fetishes filming their graphic murder-suicide pact for YouTube.
“When you really think about it, it’s actually kind of a miracle there isn’t a guy out there right now killing random people and turning them into quilts or something,” Provo, UT store clerk Robert Zenner said. “You have to give credit where credit is due. It really is a great thing that I’m not turning on the news and saying, ‘Holy shit, someone’s eaten their neighbor.’ Not at this particular moment in time, at least.”
At press time, weary Americans confronted with news of a San Diego man who cooked and served his own genitals to a group of friends insisted the story “didn’t count,” since no one was actually killed.