Audubon Society President Spends Another Morning In Attic Feeding Nation’s 2.9 Billion Missing Birds

DOBBS FERRY, NY—Climbing the wooden stairs into a room overflowing with bird droppings, loose feathers, and owl pellets, Audubon Society president David Yarnold reportedly spent another morning in his attic Friday feeding the 2.9 billion birds reported missing by avian researchers. “How are all my precious angels doing today?” Yarnold said to the mass avian gathering, scattering a pail of breadcrumbs to the 700,000 ruby-throated hummingbirds squawking on the attic’s floorboards before putting a sunflower seed in his teeth and feeding it to one of the 3 million goldfinches nesting in the rafters. “It’s so nice to have you all to myself. And here’s a little treat of herring for Mr. Pebbles the Pelican. And some shrimp for Miss Flamingo. Oh, my goodness, you’re all in such a happy mood. Come over here, Sherbet O’Donahue! Let me stroke your gorgeous feathers.” At press time, an additional 50 million seagulls, kingfishers, and mallards had reportedly vanished after Yarnold jury-rigged garden hoses to run up his stairs to his attic to fill up several thousand kiddie pools.

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