LANCASTER, PA—Taking a different approach from other major brands, which have released statements of support for peaceful nationwide demonstrations against police brutality, the popular pretzel shop chain Auntie Anne’s broke from the pack Tuesday by calling for all protesters to be shot. “We at Auntie Anne’s implore our nation’s law enforcement to open fire on individuals attempting to take one of our soft, fresh-baked pretzels without paying,” a statement from the company read in part, before continuing on to state that anyone who looted pretzels, pretzel nuggets, or pretzel dogs from one of its more than 1,500 locations would be confronted by an Auntie Anne’s team member with a semiautomatic firearm and a shoot-to-kill order. “If the authorities fail to react quickly and with overwhelming force, we will not hesitate to take matters into our own hands. Unlike those pussies at Cinnabon, Claire’s, or Spencer Gifts, we refuse to stay silent and will show no mercy to criminals making off with a pump dispenser of our signature cheese dip. Should these vandals steal so much as a teaspoon of our irresistible cinnamon-and-sugar-dusted pretzel dough, they will pay the ultimate price.” At press time, the company had released an additional statement to announce the rollout of its new “Blueberry Lives Matter” Sweet Pretzel.
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