PHILADELPHIA—Responding to reports of a suspicious lack of activity at the address, local authorities entered area 27-year-old Grant Novak’s house Thursday to find dozens of neglected fantasy football teams, sources reported. “At approximately 2:30 this afternoon, we recovered a number of abandoned rosters from the residence in critical condition—we can’t determine exactly how long they’ve been left here, but we have evidence indicating that some of these lineups haven’t received any attention at all since Week 3,” officer Keith Wade told reporters, confirming that one severely overlooked team still had Adrian Peterson slotted as starting running back. “The owner of these teams appears to have signed up for an unsettling number of leagues with no intention of putting in the necessary time and effort to maintain them, at which point the perpetrator callously left them all alone in cold blood. As for the teams themselves, we have no choice but to wait and see if they show any signs of improvement over what remains of the season.” At press time, authorities were shocked to discover one of Novak’s neglected teams was doing well enough to outrank more than half of his coworkers.


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