SUNNYSIDE, WA—Asserting that the matter was a simple weather-related livestock incident requiring no particular investigation, Washington state authorities announced first thing Wednesday morning that an unusually intense blizzard was responsible for the deaths of 1,600 mutilated dairy cows found arranged in a pentagram. “We believe the unseasonably strong gusts of wind which occurred last night blew the skin off these unfortunate animals and arranged them in this pattern,” said Sunnyside police department spokesperson Gus Parnell, who noted that instabilities in the jet stream likely induced the flurries that removed the cows’ heads and impaled them on a series of iron spikes, which had been heaved up from the soil by deep frost. “When the temperatures plummet suddenly into the single digits, it’s not unusual to see cows attempt to conserve body heat by placing their severed hooves into their mouths, though sadly in this case it did not prevent the evaporation of nearly all of their blood. Conditions were really bad—there was a lot of drifting snow, and wind speeds fluctuated between 30 and 50 miles per hour all day, more than enough to pick the cows up, slice them from the tips of their noses to the roots of their tails, and arrange their organs to spell out the word ‘soon.’ Evidently, the low dew point also caused them to glow a pale, eerie green color. Anyway, this is really an open-and-shut case of death by exposure, and we have extensive documents signed by ranking officers of the Strategic Air Command testifying to that effect.” At press time, Washington law enforcement urged citizens living in the area to stay indoors, focus on keeping warm, and check their family members for a 3-inch scar below their right clavicle.

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