DENMARK, ME—Having lulled its victim into a false sense of security by remaining silent and motionless for nearly a minute, an autoplaying video reportedly executed a cunning ambush on unsuspecting local man Jack Zeitman 45 seconds after he opened a page on a pop culture website Wednesday. “I was about halfway through reading the article, my guard was completely down, and then out of nowhere—boom—it just hit me full-force,” said Zeitman, who confirmed he was struck without warning by a devastating blast of music and the sounds of a mother cleaning her kitchen with Clorox spray, instantly sending him into a state of panic. “I was completely taken by surprise; I didn’t know what to do. I frantically scrolled all the way down the page at first before realizing it was coming from above. By the time I got my wits about me and was able to locate and target the ‘X’ in the top right corner of the video player, I had already taken the full brunt of the 15-second barrage. It was an absolute disaster.” At press time, a badly shaken Zeitman had simply slumped down and surrendered to the withering onslaught from an American Family Insurance pre-roll ad before a YouTube clip he wanted to watch.
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