The holidays are supposed to be a festive time, but when families gather together, arguments and negativity often threaten to spoil the occasion. Here are some tips for avoiding conflicts and keeping the holidays stress-free for the whole family:
- Try to end thousands of years of entrenched prejudices before flying home and talking about current events.
- Encourage family members to seek personal space when they need it by telling them the front door’s right fucking there anytime they want to use it.
- Avoid anything that could trigger fights, like a history of family depression.
- Make yourself appear larger than you are around your father-in-law by standing up on your hind legs and puffing out your chest.
- If you become frustrated during the festivities, consider going for a walk to the end of the driveway, continuing on for half an hour, reaching the town limits, entering a train station, buying the first available ticket, arriving in a town called Rockport, heading to the edge of the ocean, and just screaming.
- Ensure each family member has their own table at which to eat dinner.
- Split potentially huge family blowouts into smaller, more manageable bickering matches over the course of the holiday season.
- Take the time to consider things from your brother-in-law’s point of view so you can fully appreciate how fucking stupid his perspective is.
- Change name. Start new life.