Avoiding Family Conflict During The Holiday Season

The holidays are supposed to be a festive time, but when families gather together, arguments and negativity often threaten to spoil the occasion. Here are some tips for avoiding conflicts and keeping the holidays stress-free for the whole family:

  • Try to end thousands of years of entrenched prejudices before flying home and talking about current events.
  • Encourage family members to seek personal space when they need it by telling them the front door’s right fucking there anytime they want to use it.
  • Avoid anything that could trigger fights, like a history of family depression.
  • Make yourself appear larger than you are around your father-in-law by standing up on your hind legs and puffing out your chest.
  • If you become frustrated during the festivities, consider going for a walk to the end of the driveway, continuing on for half an hour, reaching the town limits, entering a train station, buying the first available ticket, arriving in a town called Rockport, heading to the edge of the ocean, and just screaming.
  • Ensure each family member has their own table at which to eat dinner.
  • Split potentially huge family blowouts into smaller, more manageable bickering matches over the course of the holiday season.
  • Take the time to consider things from your brother-in-law’s point of view so you can fully appreciate how fucking stupid his perspective is.
  • Change name. Start new life.
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