OAKLAND, CA—Speaking with evident pride as he mentioned how he doesn’t listen to the radio, local man Dan Mills appeared to be under the impression that his avoidance of mainstream music was somehow a noteworthy accomplishment, sources confirmed Tuesday. “‘Chandelier’? I’ve never heard of it,” said Mills, brimming with satisfaction over his success at evading a song that has been on the Billboard Hot 100 chart for almost a year. “Sia sings it? Which one is she again?” At press time, Mills was loudly stating that he had never seen Avatar and probably never would.

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