Bad News For Gamers: OGN Has Learned Ocarinas Are Real And They Fucking Suck

Illustration for article titled Bad News For Gamers: OGN Has Learned Ocarinas Are Real And They Fucking Suck

If you were as big of a fan of Ocarina Of Time as a kid, you must have tons of fond memories of using the game’s eponymous musical instrument to solve puzzles and teleport across the kingdom of Hyrule. Frankly, it was one of the most incredible parts of leading Link on his quest to defeat the evil king Ganondorf. So, you can imagine how excited we were when we uncovered evidence that ocarinas are actually real. Yep, that’s right. These things really do exist. Now, you would think this would be a cause for celebration. However, upon further examination, we discovered something terribly unfortunate about them.


Gamers, we hate to be the bearer of bad news, but ocarinas fucking suck.

This may come as a major blow, but after doing a fair amount of research into ocarinas, we can definitely state that they’re just totally lame. They’re small and weird-looking, and for some reason, they’re always carved into stupid animal shapes. We have no idea what Nintendo was thinking by making them a centerpiece of such an important game, because as far as instruments go, you can’t do much worse than an ocarina. Even tubas are more dignified.

And it isn’t just their appearance, either. In an attempt to find a silver lining, we thought, perhaps naively so, that these stupid things might sound better than they look, but my God, were we wrong. We looked up a few videos of people playing ocarinas, and wow, it’s like listening to a fourth-grade recorder recital but somehow worse. Why anyone would want to listen to an ocarina, let alone play one, is beyond us. They’re honestly just glorified kazoos.

Our apologies if this is hard to stomach, gamers, but, trust us, we aren’t happy about it either.

Looking back on all the times the word “ocarina” evoked a powerful pang of nostalgia in us now just makes us feel like complete idiots. The worst part about all of this is that ocarinas don’t even have any actual powers. You can’t teleport with them, and playing one doesn’t actually open up any portals. They’re not at all the magical talismans we were led to believe. You basically just can blow into them and that’s it. Fucking pathetic.

Sorry to have to give you such an unpleasant reality check, but as always, readers, it is our duty as gaming journalists to keep you informed about things like this. If you’re like us, there’s no way you’ll be able to replay Ocarina Of Time now without constantly being reminded of how idiotic these things are. Fret not, though, gamers: We can always fall back on the totally badass memory from Wind Waker of conducting the breeze with a baton.