AUSTIN, TX—Acknowledging the realities of public opinion following another mass shooting in his state, Texas governor Greg Abbott admitted Thursday that it was probably not a good time to reveal his new machine gun legs, according to sources in his office. “Goddamn it, of all the weeks for this to happen,” said Abbott, a paraplegic, who shouted to be heard over the loud blasts filling the room and then sat back down in his wheelchair, pulling a blanket up over the brand-new pair of fully functional M242 Bushmaster chain guns he had had surgically transplanted to replace his legs. “Obviously, the optics aren’t great right now, but I worked into the wee hours Tuesday morning to get these bad boys all cleaned and polished for their big debut. Talk about terrible timing! Now I have to wait until this damn grade-school shooting passes through the news cycle. Well, I’ll give it another couple days. I suppose it’s okay, as long as I can still show off the awesome firepower in this beautiful pair of cannons at the NRA convention in Houston this weekend.” At press time, Abbot had reportedly emptied several dozen 25-mm armor-piercing tracer rounds into an unsuspecting aide while attempting to cross his legs.
We may earn a commission from links on this page.
Americans Explain Why Assault Weapons Must Stay Legal