Bank Hostages Can’t Believe Police Didn’t Spring For Better Pizza

FRESNO, CA—Carefully maneuvering across the blood-splattered lobby toward the boxes of food, hostages inside a locked-down Wells Fargo whispered amongst themselves Thursday that they couldn’t believe the police didn’t spring for better pizza. “Ugh, thin crust? Are you kidding me? These cops have the entire PD budget at their disposal and they can’t shell out an extra $30 for some mozzarella sticks and a 2-liter?” said bank teller Anita Suarez, one of several captives voicing their complaints as they sat zip-tied and huddled around a stack of three medium Domino’s cheese pizzas with no toppings or dipping sauces. “I understand this is a high-pressure situation, what with Steve threatening to kill us if the cops don’t meet his demands and all, but they could’ve at least tried that really nice brick-oven place down the street or let us order for ourselves. You have to assume they’ll get reimbursed for the food, so why not go all out and treat us to something fresh and local? For a lot of us, this gross, cardboard-like attempt at pizza is probably our last meal, which totally sucks. They didn’t even give us any napkins for our greasy hands or bullet wounds.” At press time, the bank hostages were urging their captor not to stand down until they got some garlic knots and ranch.

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