Bank Of America Introduces New Existential Rewards Credit Card Program

Illustration for article titled Bank Of America Introduces New Existential Rewards Credit Card Program

CHARLOTTE, NC—Affirming the company’s commitment to giving back to their loyal customers, Bank of America unveiled its new Existential Rewards credit card program at a press event Friday, which will reportedly allow cardholders to accrue a deep sense of fulfillment and purpose on all purchases. “We’re excited to bring our customers an easy, incentivized program wherein the more they spend with their Existential Rewards credit card, the more meaning they gain in their lives,” said Bank of America spokeswoman Miranda Behr, who added that with no foreign transaction fees and an introductory zero-percent APR, racking up an abiding sense of purpose was as easy as earning three self-realization points for every dollar spent, plus double fulfillment at grocery stores and restaurants. “With 3 percent quarterly cash back and a variety of redeemable feelings ranging from inner contentment to a perception of oneness with the world, customers are sure to make their Existential Rewards card their credit card of choice. And of course, you can start trading in your points for a feeling of peace or soaring freedom as soon as you want, but for those willing to wait, 60,000 points is all you need to attain everlasting enlightenment.” Behr added that Bank of America’s popular Chained line of credit cards would still be available for bank members who prefer to be emotionally and psychologically tethered to their material wealth.