WASHINGTON—Paving the way for the committee to seek criminal charges against the political advisor, former Trump strategist Steve Bannon defied a subpoena from the January 6 Select Committee on the grounds that he would be digesting a whole wild boar over the next six months, sources confirmed Friday. “Unfortunately, Mr. Bannon has already unhinged his jaw and must remain motionless through the the winter to properly digest the boar currently stored in his stomachs,” reads the statement issued through Bannon’s attorney, stressing that the former White House chief strategist had produced several gallons of highly pungent acid within his digestive track and found an ideal fungi-ridden stump where he could hibernate for months hidden away from potential predators. “It isn’t merely that it would be inconvenient to cooperate with this investigation given Mr. Bannon’s current semi-catatonic state. This subpoena doesn’t even attempt to accommodate the sizable fecal plug that my client has formed to trap nutrients from the boar skeleton as the bones dissolve in his bile. As such, we simply cannot accept these stringent demands.” At press time, former White House Chief of Staff Mark Meadows had issued a similar statement arguing he could not comply with a subpoena because he was presently lodged inside Bannon’s digestive tract.
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