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Beijing Streets Overrun By Hundreds Of Stray Olympians After End Of Games

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BEIJING—Following the previous night’s closing ceremonies, Beijing city officials received numerous reports Monday that the streets were overrun with hundreds of stray Olympians that had been left behind after the 2022 Winter Games. “It’s tempting to go right up to them, but you have to remember that even though they may have had a home before, they are wild creatures now,” said local resident Kong Xiaodan, adding that she tried to shoo away a feral ski jumper she found huddled in a corner of her yard, but retreated back indoors when the international athlete’s filthy, mangy teammates came out of the shadows and hissed at her. “The city’s having trouble catching them because they’re all pretty fast and strong. One of the big Finnish ones was looking for food and overturned a dumpster in the alley behind my office. It’s a shame, because you know all they need is a bath and someone to love them. I wouldn’t mind adopting one myself—they’re pretty cute! I’ve already seen some of them breeding, though, so hopefully the authorities get them rounded up and euthanized as quickly as possible.” At press time, Kong had reportedly run over U.S. figure skater Brandon Frazier, whom she had not realized was sleeping under her car.